I don’t really have anyone in my life that passes as a ‘best friend.’ I kind of denied myself the privilege of having one, I’m not interesting or complete enough to have one anyway, I'd reason. I know that best friend’s aren’t always forever, I’m not six—but I think if I had a best friend I would do anything to keep them.
Someone who is your best friend sees you as a whole person, someone with an identity that they want to be around and take comfort in. I've had people come in and out of my life. But it felt wrong to trap them with me when I’m not interesting or funny or really even available most days. So I kept them at a distance and they eventually drifted closer to other people. That’s ok, I told myself, when I’m finally out in the world then I’ll be worthy, right?
I guess I ended up stopping just short of that. I don’t know who my best friend is, but I know they’re somewhere out there. I wish I had them with me to talk to now, just for one conversation. We could catch up on everything else later, I wouldn’t even cheat and ask where they’ve been or where I could find them. It’d just be nice to know that eventually I am a person enough to have a best friend.
I wish I didn’t keep so many people at a distance but then again they wouldn’t see much if they got closer. And anyway, I don’t think it’d make this any easier. My parents care about me, they’re probably the only ones that do, and it made this whole thing hard enough. Still can't help hoping, I imagine them as an amalgamation of all of those potential friends personality traits, the most striking parts that still stick with me. It only makes me feel worse after a while...